Day One Hundred Eighty-two

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."  2 Corinthians 1:3-4

The scan results were good.  Thank you, God!!

"Your son has cancer."   Immediately, a flood of emotions rushed through my body...fear, concern, frustration, sadness, anger, pity, love, etc.....all at once.  Weird sensation. 

We didn't know what this meant, but we knew it wasn't good.  We didn't know the next step to take, but knew that there would be one.  We didn't know whether to cry or pray.  So, we did both. 

One hundred  and eighty-two days ago, our family started a journey that we didn't want to take. This wasn't in our plans. This was not supposed to happen.  Not to us.  Not to a four year old boy with such a pure heart and love for our Lord.  

Alas, the journey began anyway, and we quickly realized there were two paths staring us in the face.  One that would let the frustration, anger, the "Why Ryan," and all the similar emotions lead us down a scary path that would stress our family relationships and drift us away from God.  The other path was to run to God for comfort, ask Him to remove our anxieties, ask Him for guidance, and to place complete faith in Him.  As I write this, I ask myself, "Why would anyone take the first path?" Well, I think in the midst of the unknown and emotions, decisions are made without really knowing that there was one to make.  We have met and talked to people that took that first path and are having a difficult time.  Mirjan has prayed with them.  I'm thankful every day that we didn't take that first path.

God has comforted us, guided us, and blessed us in ways unimaginable during this journey.  I'm sure it will be hard for many people to understand why we have felt blessed during this time.  Unless you see, feel, and experience the hundreds of little things, I can see why that would be hard to understand.  But we did experience those things.  God's love displayed over and over, God's orchestration of interactions that touched our hearts and allowed us to touch others, and the strengthening of relationships are just a few of the blessings.

During the journey, the bible was opened a lot more frequently, and we began to lean on God more and more each day.  I still remember the turning point for me...I was about two streets from home and the emotions hit.  We didn't know what we were facing, didn't know if Ryan would be here next Christmas, and I asked God to take control.  I felt this amazing peace come over me.  That night I found the verse 1 Peter 5:7 "Give your anxieties to God because he cares about you."  Later in the week, I was reading Proverbs and read 3:5..."Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your understanding."  That is the verse at the top of our blog, and it has really helped, because who can explain a 4 yr old getting cancer?  I can't.

It was about that time when I started the blog.  I went back and read the "About" section on the blog tonight and thought about when I wrote the following sentence:  "This will document our journey from surprise, to disbelief, witnessing God's healing power, His love displayed through others, and to this being a memory of a son who was sick and then healed."   When I wrote that I had complete faith that God would heal our son, and I went to Him multiple times a day every day during this journey. 

Each evening, I recounted the day's events on our blog.  I started doing this because so many wonderful blessings were being experienced, and I wanted to capture those somewhere.   I also noted the little things that mean so much more to us now.  When Ryan is older and can comprehend what really happened to him and how big this really was, I want him to see "God's love displayed" by so many people, and he will be able to do that by reading this.  I also want him to see that regardless of how difficult a situation is, God can and will guide him through it as He did when he was 4 yr old boy. 

So, this will be the last daily entry in this blog.  I've waited a long time to write that, and I'm so grateful to God that I'm writing it with a healthy son.  For those that have been keeping up with the blog, I hope that it blessed you in some way.  I also hope that this is an example that regardless of how difficult, frustrating, unknown, etc. that a challenge might be, God will get you through it! 

I will conclude the updates to Ryan's Journey with some individual messages:

God

Father, thank you!  As I read the entire blog again and as I recount major changes in myself along the way, I associate those with your grace, love, and healing power.  There were several times that I can still see myself in the moment, remember the vivid details, feel my emotions, and asking You to guide me.  Some of those were very significant and amazing!  You are amazing!  I was going to list some of those times here, but they are between you and me, and I will always cherish and remember those moments.

There are many other instances when I was overwhelmed by Your love, "God's love displayed," as I referenced many times in the blog.  We have experienced Your work through many people.  Many, loving, caring, and giving people who make a difference in sick children's lives daily.  Family traveling across the state and across the country to spend time with Ryan and help out was such a blessing.  Dinners, gifts, activities, fellowship, prayer time with family and friends, and the list goes on.  Father, I ask that You guide me that I can share Your love that I experienced with others that are traveling similar journeys or just need support. 

I truly believe that You worked miracles and Your love was displayed through others throughout this journey.  I am grateful and humbled.

As I read blogs on the internet, daily devotionals, the Bible, I believe I have continued to develop my understanding and relationship with You.  There were two verses that really helped me out as the journey started.  One dealt with the worry that would drive anyone crazy if you don't figure out how to deal with it.  The other deals with the questions that quickly follow a cancer diagnosis in a child.  This one has been at the top of the blog the entire time. 

Thank you, Father, for guiding me to those verses, really hearing Your words, and allowing me to hand over my anxieties and trust completely in You. 

Father, I ask for Your hands of protection over Ryan to keep the cancer away and let him grow into a man serving You.

I also ask that You guide our family on a new journey now.  One that will honor and serve You.  Guide us along a path that will use our gifts to glorify You and bring Your love to others.  Direct us and we will follow.

Ryan

Ryan, you are an amazing and inspiring boy!  You are amazing that your life was changed dramatically and you were determined not to let it impact you as much as I thought it would.  I know that you didn't want to go to the doctor's office for treatments weekly.  I know that you didn't like taking the medicine several times a day, several days a week (sorry, but that will continue for another year).  I know that you didn't like or understand why your tastes changed, your desire to eat was gone, and how your body reacted physically and mentally. Yet, you were a strong boy, continued with normal 4 year old activities, and were generally in good spirits.  You were inspiring to me at how you approached things on a daily basis.  I can't count the number of times that you went to God for help or answers.  I was inspired at your long, thoughtful, caring prayers; none of which included healing for yourself, but thanking God for the people in your life. I was inspired by your questions, that were too mature and direct for your age and told us that God is with you.  I was inspired that every time we got in the car and turned on K-Love that you started singing songs of praise.  Ryan, I did my best to show you all of my love and support during this journey. I remember praying over you and holding you so much, and that strengthened my love for you.  I was determined to do anything in this world for you to get you well, but the glory goes to God. I love you with all of my heart, I thank God every day for you and his healing power, and I hope that you understand one day that so many people demonstrated their care and love for you in God's name.  This journey has and will continue to change you.  I know that you will do wonderful things in your life in His name.  He has a purpose for you, and I can't wait to see the wonders from it. Also, remember that regardless of what challenges that you face in your life, go to God and he will get you through it.  He got you through this one.  I love you, son!

"Be strong in the LORD and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray"
                                         Sidewalk Prophets

Before and After pictures of Ryan:

Mirjan

How more can a mother show her love and support for her child than you did during this journey? You were gentle and loving when Ryan needed his mother's love, you were firm and consistent to get him to eat and take his medicine, and you were patient when his behavior was unacceptable.  Most of all, you were the caring mother and loving wife who was strong and determined to do everything possible for her son, while maintaining the hundreds of other things that still needed to be done.  There are a couple of things that made me admire and love you even more: 
You were determined to keep his lifestyle as normal as possible.  From birthday parties, coordinating best friend visits, seeking out organizations to get him involved in, getting back into school, etc., you made a huge difference in his daily life. 
You gave Ryan the love and encouragement that he needed from his mommy.  I remember the times when I had to call you in for that special mommy love, which calmed him down and is just what he needed.  It's amazing how that works...and it did many times.
You gave me the support and love that I needed. I wanted to take complete control and make sure everything was done the right way and in Ryan's best interest.  I still remember one of the big chemo weekends when you were on top of everything.  You were telling the nurses what was done and what needed to be done and what not to do. :) It was that weekend when I was able to take a breath and realize, she's got this.  She can handle anything and handle it well.  There was never any doubt, but it made me realize that it's not all on my shoulders, and I truly appreciate you for that.

There were many times that I remember that we both looked at each other and knew, without a doubt, that God was going to guide us through this journey.  Each time I think about them, I get tingly and am amazed.

The first is when we were headed to the hospital for the first surgery, and we heard "What Faith Can Do."  The timing can only be described as unbelievable, and we both felt a clear message:  You are about to start a journey that is going to be more challenging than anything you have encountered..."Put your faith in Me and let Me guide you!"    I can't count the number of times that I have listened to that song since then, but it has been many and that's why it's at the top of the blog.

When I think about us in this journey, I remember talking, crying, and praying on the couch that first week.  My love for you couldn't have been stronger!  You are an amazing woman, wife, and mother. I thank God for blessing me with you every day.   Thank you, Mirjan!  I love you!

Davianna

Davianna, this journey was harder on you than you showed.  Ryan's mood swings, due to the food and chemo, impacted you the most.  Ryan also received a lot of attention and gifts, and I know that was hard for you to understand that for a while.   Thank you for being such a strong, big girl with more patience than a 6 year old should have! I enjoyed our many talks about Ryan and your feelings, and I hope that I gave you the love and comfort that you wanted and needed.  We went through this journey as a family, and wanted you to feel completely included in all activities: from the child life specialist discussions, to the treatments, and the fun activities.  We enrolled you in Super Sibs! and you really demonstrated that you were a super sibling during this journey!  There are two pictures that always remind me of your love during this time: One is when you first saw Ryan after several days of tests and surgeries.  He was on his knees and stomach on the hospital bed, and you just put your head on his back and held him tight with love.  The other is when Ryan arrived home after a big treatment, and you were holding him while you watched TV. I saw pure love and caring as you took care of your little brother. You have also been a tremendous help to your mother and I with many things throughout the journey.  You were always aware of what was going on and took action when needed, most of the times without being asked.  You are truly a wonderful big sister, and Ryan and Emma are blessed to have you take care of them as you do.  Thank you, princess!  I love you with all of my heart! 

Emma 

Emma, you probably won't remember this journey when you are older.  However, you played a significant part in the love and healing process.  The most vivid picture that I remember is soon after Ryan's hair fell out and he was laying on the couch. You would stand on your tip toes and kiss his head.  There were countless times when I could see his emotions and attitude change as you ran up to him, hugged him and kissed him.  You displayed pure love and joy for your brother, and it made a huge difference during this journey.  Every time that I would look at the blog on the computer or his pictures on the phone, you would yell Ryan's name (Ry Ry) with joy when you saw his picture. His spirits would be immediately lifted. I can't count, but I can be assured it was more than once a day, that you hugged Ryan, kissed him, tackled him, jumped on him, or yelled his name in joy, and those actions brightened his mood.  You were like the little "mood fixer."  If Ryan was really feeling down and I couldn't get him to smile, I would ask you to go kiss him or I would put you on top of him.  Immediately his mood was "fixed!"   Thank you for your constant joy and love throughout this journey that you didn't know was occurring.  You are so precious, and I love you with all of my heart!

Everyone Else (The "God's loved displayed" people)

I don't think I can adequately describe the gratitude for everyone who touched our hearts during this journey!  Acquaintances, volunteers, friends, the church family, and our family all went well out of their way to provide care, help, and love.  You have touched our hearts and made such a great impact on our lives during a challenging time.  We are grateful and truly thankful.  May God bless you and your families!

Below is a video that I created from the pictures, verses, and songs from the blog.  Password is "pville'

One last note...if you 'happened' upon this link, and have a story to share, I would love to hear it.  Please comment and include your email address, and I will respond.  I plan on following up with another blog following this journey.

Take care, be strong, and God bless.